A Million Days to Die in the West is more like a million ways to have to suffer through bad Seth McFarlene jokes.
The movie opened with potential. You have the typical Bad Outlaw, played by Liam Neeson, and his gang of thugs out to harass the locals. Charlize Theron is Anna, the unwilling sidekick who isn't exactly keen on the outlaw life.
Ten minutes later, McFarlane - as Albert - walks on screen and everything quickly deteriorates from there. When writing the script, it seems that his already shallow bag of working jokes suddenly ran off and all he was left to pull from were the same three things. F-bombs abound, and all McFarlane can seem to focus on are the bathroom and penises.
|"See this? This is my brain. I used it to try and write a screenplay and failed miserably."|
The writing itself is far from decent when it comes to mocking history. At one point, Albert starts spewing off a bunch of modern day terms and his drinking partners stare at him stupidly. Because, yeah, no one in 1882 has a grasp of what you're trying to interject in here.
Even the bustle joke turned out to be a bit of a downer. As Albert tries to figure out Anna's large backside, she pulls it up to reveal something that looks more like a medieval torture device and it quickly delves into a joke about oversize hinnys.
|"Is that really your real butt?"|
Probably the one standout moment is during a flashback to Albert's high school days when Abraham Lincoln shows up as the guest speaker. He opens his mouth and the next thing you know, it's Gilbert Gottfried. It isn't the Abe Lincoln you expect, but one of the characters even says, "I don't think that's the real Lincoln," but that's what makes it even more funny.
|"I'll give you $1 to shoot everything. $10 if you shoot this movie into oblivion."|
Although I wasn't expecting much to begin with, the fact that the movie had zero redeeming qualities made it a complete two-hour waste. Oh wait, I did get yesterday's blog post up, so not quite.
Overall rating - 1 out of 5 (only for Gottfriend's performance as Abe Lincoln)
Costumes - 0.5 out of 5 (and only for the plaid dress)